Lately I have been feeling like nothing in my life is going anywhere near how I planned it. I have been struggling in all areas of living that I haven’t wrestled with for years: with finances, with my self-esteem, with motivation, with gym habits, with my relationship, with setting and achieving goals, and more.
Throughout the latter part of my twenties, I built my self-identity around being the opposite of what I am now: super responsible, motivated, get things done, crank out a daily workout, be a loving and supportive partner, continually grow in varying ways mentally, and achieve all goals.
If I’m going to be completely honest, I feel like I’ve been stripped down to the brass tacks of who I am as a person, and I am NOT liking the feeling of having to start over from scratch. I mean, I’m 30 years old, for god’s sake!
Perhaps this needed to happen so that I could emerge from the smouldering ashes of my past self and become a brighter, more compassionate, and even more accomplished version of me. Perhaps I need to embrace my inner phoenix and not look at everything that has crumbled around me, but all the potential in the regrowth.
In the spirit of fiery rebirth, here is what I want for my beautiful phoenix self:
I want to set high goals for myself and accomplish the sh*t out of them. I know that part of my emotional and mental roller coaster has been because I am not actively doing anything productive in my life and have just been coasting for the past year, and my goal-oriented soul is having a fit. I know that I am capable of so much awesomeness and yet I am allowing doubts and laziness to take control every time. I cannot let that keep happening. I don’t want to look back on my life and realize how much I let slip away because of a little fear.
I want to become the ultimate partner, sister, friend, daughter, and human, period. There are some people you look at and you’re like wow, how do they do ALL of that with such grace? I want to be that person. I want to be the woman who is there for her friends without question, who plans family gatherings and special events, who listens and gives advice without judgement, who does things like send cards and random texts just because, who is the bedrock of her partner’s support system offering unconditional love, and so much more. You’re only truly living if you are giving, and I want to give of myself freely.
I want to treat my body as if it is an actual temple, with reverence and respect. This means taking my health seriously and being proactive. I want to drastically cut down my alcohol intake (not that I actually drink that much) to rarely or none at all. I want to make myself healthy meals instead of snacking on cereal. I want to make working out a priority again because god knows the body deteriorates in a blink of an eye, and I want to do my part to stall the hand of time. Health truly is our wealth, and I have won the lottery in many respects. How irresponsible of me thus far to waste it frivolously rather than invest for the future.
I want to expand my mind. I have developed a bad habit of spending my free time on Instragram, Facebook, Twitter, or the TV. None of that time will amount to anything, and if I keep it up I’m going to look back on a life that was spent watching other people live. I refuse to keep spending my precious seconds on fluff–to be a person of substance, you must have something to contribute, and to have something to contribute, you must consume responsibly. There is so much knowledge in the world; why would you waste any opportunity for gathering it?
I want to make spirituality the center of my life. I know that there is something out there, but I have yet to truly connect to that power and love. It took Elizabeth Gilbert until her early thirties to have her spiritual awakening, so I suppose I can feel ok about starting mine around the same time. However, to be completely honest (or as the cool kids put it now-a-days, ‘tbh’), I have no idea where to begin. But I suppose that’s part of the journey too.
All of the above seems like a lot, but I am more terrified of a mediocre life than I am of being overwhelmed. Even as I write this, I can feel my soul ignite once again, and I am excited for my rebirth. I will most likely have to deal with cleaning up the ashes for a while, but every second of grime and dirt will be worth it when I finally unfurl my wings and fly in a flash of red and gold.