Of all the realizations of all the people in all the world, the one you want least is always the one that stumbles into your head and smacks you right behind the eyes. And today, I was treated to the realization that I have issues.
More specifically, trust issues.
I don’t mean like a touch of normal jealousy or asking one too many questions about the girl who works the next desk over from him, but full blown, relationship-threatening, trust issues.
I know this because I took a quiz and it told me so, but more importantly and less tongue-in-cheek, I know this because the proof is in the pudding.
This morning when we were having yet another discussion prompted by (in hindsight) said issues, he looked and me and said “Why do I keep having to prove myself to you when I’ve already done so? That’s not love.”
That was the moment it dawned on me that I could let my traumas from the past seriously fuck up the most amazing thing in my life.
When I was married, my now ex-husband destroyed my trust countless times. Not with other women, but (besides the emotional abuse) he hid his drug use and porn addiction over and over until, four years too long later, I finally left.
What I’m discovering I didn’t leave behind, though, is the permeating belief that the men I love are trying to hide something from me. No matter how many times I receive reassurance and proof, there is always a part of me that remains vigilant, analyzing every conversation to make sure it matches up with things he’s said before, barraging him with questions when things don’t seem to add up in my mind, shutting down channels of communication when I’m feeling sure that I’ve caught him in a lie (spoiler alert: I never have).
I have always prided myself on being strong; my siblings come to me for advice (which I’m so grateful for and I love), my coworkers laud my positivity and impact on my students, and my friends always assure me how awesome I am and how glad they are that I’m in their life.
Which is why this realization comes as a monstrous blow: no longer can I blame his behavior or my (unfounded) suspicions for our roller coaster relationship…this time, the pie is squarely on my face.
I have to admit, as a highly independent Aeries, this day has been extremely rough. However, I have to thank my inner steel because after a bit of processing, I am determined that I will strip away these unwanted barnacles from my past voyages. I will not allow my own psyche to dismantle the foundation that I have begun to create with an amazing, patient, loving (who is definitely not flawless, but consistently improving), man.
Instead, I will keep my eyes on the prize and unwaveringly work to rid myself of this self-stirred inner turmoil that serves no purpose. I know that I will fail at times, but fuck me if I’m going to keep letting last years leftovers end up as the main dish on Thanksgiving Day.
It takes a lot for me to admit my fallabilities, but the older I get, the more I realize how stupid it is to deny the ropes that keep us from moving forward. As much as I would like to be, I am not perfect, but I intend to keep moving in that direction as steadily as possible, day by day.
With all the reality of the tough road ahead of me aside, right now, I feel gratitude: this blog is a way for me to process my own inner world and reach some clarity, and hopefully, in the process, help at least one other person along the way. Not everybody has that opportunity.
Thank you for coming along this tumultuous, humbling, but hopefully never boring journey with me. I hope that me baring my soul can help you feel less alone; trust me, we all have issues. And I will never stop working on mine.